So pag nasa hospital si Bakla, Aida agad?

Around my 24 years of existence, I have been surrounded with LGBT community, mostly gay who’s been part of my life and my career. Whenever someone’s been rushed to the hospital from their community, I often hear them say: 

“Omg, feeling ko may AIDS/HIV si bakla!”

Aren’t we supposed to be open-minded about it and support them instead of being disgusted to them?

My uncle was rushed in the hospital again today because he just had his tonsils removed (Tonsillectomy) and since he’s not been eating anything and there is no one to take care of him, he started eating solid food which was the only available food around even if the doctor foreboded him-that made the wounds bleed in his throat. Since he was just in the hospital not so long ago and then again today and we are all far away from him, internet was the only way he can inform people that he’s in the hospital again, then someone joked around (wether is serious or joke) posted “aida” (gay lingo means aids).
My point here is that, some people are just insensitive, pure idiots. I don’t understand why they think it’s a good joke or it’s alright to think that when a gay is in the hospital, they think of AIDS/HIV.

Wether it’s true or not, it’s never okay to discriminate people who are already sick. Grow up! You came out of the shadow for a reason. If you fought for your gender, you should also fight side by side for the things that comes with it. There are many people who just give up because they are alone during the fight. Some people are even insecure informing their friends they are in the hospital just because they are scared people will think they already got infected.

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But anyway, FYI, my uncle can slap you with his papers from the test he just took few months ago. From that day on he uses condoms so there’s no way he’s infected!

He’s sensitive right now because he’s sick and he’s feeling weak because he can’t eat. Can you imagine what he’s going through right now? So for those people out there who are ignorant about this, shush…!

 

Think before you speak, blink before you click!

And for those who’s got AIDS and HIV, keep fighting, there are many reason to stay alive. Find a friend or a lover who can be there with you all the way! You’re gonna pass through it.

 

If you were a tree

It is hot and humid.

I am alone at home watching the tree across the apartment. My eyes could not help but look. It is very tall and skinny tree. I see it every time I looked outside. It stood strong in the middle of the thunderstorm, endured the burning heat of the sun, fought against strong wind blows and surpassed dark lonely nights.

I noticed that it doesn’t even even have a fruit or a flower. It is just a lonely tree in the middle of high-rise buildings waiting for years to come by.

I could not help but think, what if this tree acted like human. It would question its purpose. It would question why it had to live without a flower, why it would never bear fruits, why t had to be tall or skinny. What if it ceases to wait and decide not to face the sunshine? Will it ever wait to know its purpose?

A raven went to pick the flower from the balcony where I was sitting then flew back to the tree. I found myself smiling.

What a beautiful day.

 

Balance

I want to share a piece of my childhood to you. This was the tree I used to climb when I was a child. I used to think it was so high, now i realized it is actually not that tall.


Anyway, It’s been 24 years and it’s still alive. How amazing is it to know that some part of my childhood survived bringing you back to some good old memories? Some of it still make me laugh and make me feel like I am back to being a child.  I even fell from this tree and then found myself on the ground wondering how come I didn’t feel that I dropped on the ground?

This was where I used to to fly kite. I was hanging up on this tree when I first saw a kite. It was beautiful so I made one.

I was wondering why it didn’t fly when it looked exactly like the others. I was careful because it was my masterpiece. I didn’t want it to break whenever it hit the ground. I kept running but it was doing the the same thing over and over.

Finally I just let it go. I was ready to face whatever happened to it. I let its parts ripped off as I ran faster. To my surprise, it tossed around and started to hang still. I made something fly!

Every afternoon, I went to this place to fly my kite. 

One day, some other children came with their cool kites. I was jealous. I wanted to show them that even though mine was handmade it can fly higher than any of their kites.
I let all the string go until the end. My kite got smaller and reached very far.

Suddenly. I felt the string was getting harder and I realized it wasn’t strong enough. I rolled it back but it was too late!

My kite flew away alone with the wind. I didn’t realized the wind was higher up there. I didn’t consider the capacity of my kite. I was still holding on to the string that once connected me to my kite. I lost it no matter how much I loved it.

Happiness is not a mater of intensity but if balance and order and rythm and harmony. –Thomas Merton

Anyway just a story.
Visit my blog (jillybully) and show me love on Mondays. Help me save the good tomato! ❤️❤️❤️

How can fear change your life? 

Song of try (The Red Dot) 

I f I didn’t try, I wouldn’t know, 

If I don’t  know, the fear will grow,

So I must try, then I know,

When I know, the fear will go.

    

Do you remember yourself when you were a child?

Dream as though the world will make every dream of yours come true. The excitement to know everything. The enthusiasm to try and the strength to face whatever result it may bring you?

As you grow, you stop trying.

Your dreams starts becoming blurry and indecisive about which path you want to take.

You stop trying unless it’s safe. You stick to things that you already know. And the fear of failing becomes bigger than trying.

There’s a story I want to share to you, about my uncle who is gay. 

 

“When we were young I already knew he was softer than other boys but he was more creative. We were both raised by his mother. He was the youngest child then I was 2 years younger than him.

     We were always together in everything. We carry the pail of water together to fill the drums. We helped grandmother wash the clothes and clean the yards. He was excellent in cooking and making the house more colorful. That made him stand out also in school. He planted so many flowers at the frontyard and vegetables at the backyard. Everywhere he walks becomes colorful. Such a little boy with striking personality, enthusiastic and always been very creative in everything. He can fix anything we gave him. Everybody loves him. Aunts, teachers, my grandmother. 

    When we were growing older, he started seeing his differences from every other child. Little by little he felt more safe being alone. It seemed as though the world do not understand him anymore. The world turned around and it became against him. With his fear of rejections and not having anyone to share it with turned him into a person with lots of insecurities. 

    It became worst when we finally became orphans. His mother who was my grandmother passed away. He believed the world was rough to us because we were left alone while we were young in facing our difficulties. Alone with the love of his life, his dreams also burried. Not only that he was insecure, he hated everything around him. 

    We didn’t make it to university because we didn’t have any money to sustain our needs. I had to try to find the treasure the world had for us. While I tried, he lived behind the shadows and discriminated himself. He never wanted to try anymore. Maybe he just couldn’t find anymore reason to take a step out and fight. His fear of being rejected was slowly eating him alive. 

    We didn’t have anything, money was enough to feed us the day and some days, we didn’t eat. I was feeling drained of doing things alone and everytime I asked him wether telling him in a nice way or forcing him to change his life-didn’t work. So I gave up trying because the more I did, the more he became angry at me and to everything around him. He felt being a baggage instead of taking a stand for himself. He takes everything negatively thats eating him more and more.

    Life was tough to me but I was more open to my feelings while he kept his by himself.

But came a man who he fell inlove with and made him get out of bed and see the sunshine.

    For a second I was happy to finally see him smile, laugh and love. I’ve never seen him felt so alive. 

    I supported him. He made presents and comes home with life on his eyes.  He found a job and it excited him everyday. 

    But relationships doesn’t always end like in fairy tales. He found out he was being cheated by his partner. He was new from all these things and didn’t know how to handle his emotions. But that’s not the worst thing that happened because his partner found out he got HIV. 

    He was scared that he might have it but what scared him more was losing the man he loved and I hated him for that. I cared about him while he cared about him. His love was so strong that he was willing to give all his life and won’t ever make him feel alone but sometimes love is not enough. He was left alone hanging. 

   He didn’t know how he was going to face another day knowing the man was gone, left him wondering if he is also sick. He was scared. 

     Every night I watched him in tears. It hurts to see him hurt when he closes his eyes. He was sleepless, much worse when he found him. The fear of the thought that he might be sick as well hinders him to start all over his life. He couldn’t find a spark of hope and will to try. 

“I am still alive but it feels like I am already dead.”

… His exact words. Last week after a long long time of hiding behind those shadows. He found the courage to face his fears. Acceptance and reminding himself what he still have left. He had me, he had his bestfriend, enough to hope for a second chance.

He took the test.

  After few days, he received the result that changed his life and his perception.

It was negative. 

  He felt like he won Miss Universe and was given another new life. He’s never been so happy and fully moved on until he finally faced his fear. It was all he needed after all to start. He asked me to write his story because he wanted to let everyone know how he feels, how it feels.  He wanted to share it to every people like him out there, how it changed him. That he’s never been so happy!

    He want me to help encourage everyone who are suffering from fear, that the only way to know is to try. And by knowing,  you’ll figure out where to start.”

 

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” 

–P.C.

 

 

Trash in the air. 

 “A piece of a plastic was hanging up in the air carried by the wind and before it hit the groud it changed its direction then stayed up hanging in the air again.”

 

I don’t make plans. I get up, cruise around the city, go to the gym, back home, eat, go out, come home whenever I want to or whenever I’m tired. I work different jobs 4-6 times a month because that’s when I have saved enough to pay my bills (mostly jobs I want to do). In between those days, I do what I want, chill and see what the day’s going to bring me. Sometimes I plan something but always ends up a different story. In making decisions wether I would choose work over fun is only when I’m almost broke. But my life is good. It’s spontaneous. Full of adventures. I get to go to work, go to beautiful islands for free, to festivals for free, climb mountains, write a blog, smoke some pot, party on the weekends and even fly out of the country and see the other side of the world mostly for free. I am wherever the the direction of the wind will bring me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“If you’re not doing what you love to do, then you’re wasting your time.”

 

That was my philosophy. I do what I love to do but do I like my life? 

Honestly, I don’t know.

There are days when I get inspired to wake up early in the morning to see the sun and pass by people waiting in endless lines for taxis and jeepneys to go to work. I go inside and see the same girl-working at the store before I went to bed -still working in the morning. And at home, I see my neighbor passing by my apartment, seem to be drained and always coming home late from work. I don’t care if they hate or love what they do but I felt jealous. 

It’s not always about doing what I love to do I guess. It can’t always be about me. There are many people in this world. This isn’t just about what I love to do because then no one will ever do the dishes.

I had that phase when I had no shame to genuinely showcase my talents no matter how stupid it’s gonna make me look.

I used to speak to people with conviction because I believed in my own words. I was naive but I knew what I want. I didn’t think about what others will think of me. I wanted to learn everything. Today, I don’t do things just to learn anymore because the more I have learned the more I realized how little I know. I think about safety.  I kept comparing myself to others and it is exhausting. Seems like failure is no longer acceptable. Nothing I can laugh about when I remember.

  And now I’m in Singapore,  a country where everything has to live by the rules (by law). I have not lived like the way they do before. Maybe here, I’ll find that balance I am looking for. I want to learn how to wake up everyday for the same routine, to follow orders, to work 9-5pm, to get drained from doing ehat you have to do and to put up a fine face even if I have big problems at home.

For me, this is my way of learning how to be responsible for myself, for other people and for my dreams. This is my way to see the soul of this world and be brave enough to live into it.

“And while the trash was hanging, the lady who’s cleaning up the street took it and threw it inside the garbage can.” 

It’s not happiness that we need, there’s something else.

“There are splashes of milk moving in slow motion across the sky. The water is alive and it’s coming back and forth like it’s showing me a simple philosophy in life. It feels like I am back in the old days when my eyes were still focused and I see the colors of the world clearer and more vibrant. 

    I was sitting in between the pink sky and the green mountains. The whole universe is smiling at me. I am satisfied.”


My happiness were theirs. It was when I wasn’t capable of giving anything but gratefulness when everyone was joyful. The only time I didnt forced people to be happy around me by giving them something or making up for their struggles. All I had to do was to have fun. I felt grateful about everything and it gave me happiness I didn’t have to take from someone else. It was all coming from me and it was contagious. Every one started dancing as I danced and even laid down on the sand.

I was watching the clouds. Even the trees are like saying hi. I even thought about how lucky are these trees in between the oceans and the mountains. They are able to contemplate all these beauty.

It was when I thought everything’s  so perfect that there was actually more to come. There was only gratefulness inside me and I didn’t know how I’m going to keep all these memories in one day.

This lady started dancing with us while she was watching us. Everyone who watches us started dancing.

I understood what lesson the universe left me that day.

 

 

 

And it is about gratitude that make people happy.

 

No matter how big or small things are in front of me, if I am not grateful, I will never be happy.

I also learned that I cannot take happiness out from myself and give it to someone else. Happiness must come from me first. I can only show people where its coming from. I cannot give it.

I’ve found a beautiful place without looking for it. I had most remarkable time of my life when I didn’t ask for it. I had everything I didn’t ask for, and I’m grateful to have had it.

           

      If you want to find happiness, find gratitude.
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Photos from @patejercitado

Learn, don’t regret. 

I was thinking about what I have been doing for this year. I felt like I didn’t do enough. My perception has been changed. I used to feel high on everything that is happening in my life. Like if I just got in the city from the mountains and I walked for a show. Those tears out of joy or dreamy feelings when I’m in another country or when I see the ocean. I would be nervous to eat at a fine restaurant or feel lucky to find a 5peso coin on the floor.
Everything has changed. I went back to my life 10 years ago until 2015 arrived.

I was able to travel 8 countries, 18 lagoons and beaches, 2 waterfalls, 3 peaks, 4 beauty competitions, 3 bestfriends, currently Miss Manila, once represented Philippines, touched lives, inspired people, living on my own from 14 to now and many more. 

There are countless beautiful things actually happened to this life yet what I’ve actually miss feeling was the gratitude I used to have with me. My drive. My ambitions. My ability to do things no matter how hard it will take without questions. I’ve lost it because I have been receiving so many things in life and everything became just another story.
I’ve been terrible communicating to everyone when it comes to texting and commitments. My jobs disappeared one by one because I wasn’t very sure anymore about what I want. I felt I have stood up in the middle of a crossroad too long to decide which way to go until I got drawn back and forth until nothing is actually happening. I couldn’t choose which of those open doors to enter and just started realizing how much of a horrible person I was for those pains I’ve caused people because of my indecisiveness.

    I want to leave you something you might want to know which I’m actually just telling myself too. 


   Be grateful of those little or big things. Show those people who are there for you how grateful you are to have them. Let those people you love know how much they mean to you and what you truly feel for them. You will only realized what you could have done to save them when your chances are already gone.

 

Forget those people who do not give a single shit about you. They will only drain your energy and live together with their misery.  Enough forcing to fit in a hole you don’t belong.

 

 

Enough understanding every damn thing around you. All you need to understand in this life is yourself and what truly make you feel alive. This will reduce sufferings of other people especially those who care about you. 

Violence start to grow once you started minding everything around you so focus on what you love to do and transform it into your profession. 

This system we have in this world is a mix of everything to have a smooth cycle. Don’t ruin the system by stopping your function just to help others to function. We are all here in this world with a treasure waiting on every side.

Generosity only counts when given to right people. People with disability, children who are abandoned and people who are suffering from sickness and loneliness. When given to the wrong person otherwise, it is senseless and another blockage to the proper flow of the system.

Don’t always look so far away wondering what’s behind those horizons instead feel those real things first within your reach.

2016 is on its way for me to give another year of perception. And new chances of walking into the path that I really want to go. I’m going to recreate my dream and live, just live.

Happy New Year! Always feel alive.
Love,

Jilly.

Why do we have New Year’s resolution?

   Change is constant. We plan, we travel, we go back, we leave again. But just like us and everything else, there must always be something different and we know that. That’s why we want to prepare ourselves for what’s coming by making resolutions.
But since we don’t know what’s next, we make plans and preparations. It’s good to know our shortcomings and the remedies we can do once we encounter the same situations.

Everything we have right now were once just imaginations and it’s in our instinct that we need to have some sort of plans in order not to get drawn by any current into unknown directions or be stuck in a certain level. 
There’s a purpose why we keep changing. We renovate things to cope up with our present taste and the more we change the more we develop new challenges. We must all move with time. It’s never our intention to create the worst but no one wants to live without a purpose. 

New Years are moments when we can simplify our past and have new goals to look forward to and fearlessly imagine ourselves becoming better. But ofcourse, New Year is a new year, we don’t know what’s going to happen but it’s good to have a basic plan.
Eventhough the world is ahead of us, we still take creative liberties to explore new angles of life so we cannot be disrupted by the unknown. There’s always parts of our plans that we break because we need to reply according those questions being asked. We fail because when reality hit us we also changed our priorities.
We need reasons to keep going. And reasons has always been about seeing new perspective, developing new plans and discovering ourselves. And since we always believed we could have done better, we continue to make new plans.

Same dream.

“When I was young my dream was to become a technician because I’m good at it. I have many clients who asks me repair their cars.

I’m happy with my life. 
 Sometimes when I’m not doing anything I just drive around my tricycle. We used to have a house here but we had to give up because we didn’t win the case and they had to demolish our houses to build a new apartment for rent but it’s okay, we’re not angry because I have my tricycle where I can sleep and it’s more breezy here better than the electric fan. I only go home to my children when it’s raining hard.

Saddest moment when my wife died, I didn’t think that I would lose her fast. It was horrible to lose her. It was unexpected. My wife was lovely and compassionate. At my age, I don’t dream anything but to be happy for the rest of my life, the same dream I had even when I was still a kid.

I’m happy when I see my grandchildren because they tickle me while I’m sleeping. They are naughty kids.

I just dream that all my grandchildren will finish school.”

Ato, Manila