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I still dream of you.

You looked so calm standing by the shore wearing a white button-down long sleeve shirt half way folded around your arms. I walked closer to you just to have a glimpse of your familiar smell and body I used to touch. I felt relieved when I felt your face on my palm. To watch your face and look at you the same way I did when we were at Barcino. I’ve always loved you. Not because of your fancy clothes or the status you try to live up to. It’s always been your Soul. You’re right. The most painful part of being with the ones we love is when we hurt them because we become vulnerable.

I have never been so hurt in my life but the idea that you, my dream, had slipped away because of my failure to fix myself is what ‘s giving me remorse.
All I wanted was to be with you.

I miss you and I still occasionally see you in my dream, feeling lost in end because I realised that you weren’t real. That even in my dream, the reality slaps me right before my eyes.

But the bittersweet side of this is now I am living my greatest dream –to become a poet. Something that turned my lamp into a sacred fire.

I’m just feeling the pain now. Perhaps, this is my chance to understand why it didn’t work. That everything I’ve done distracted me enough not to think of you.

I still cannot describe that part of my life when I had to cut off everything to re-design my life. It was me who wasn’t ready for you, my love. It’s always been me who’s not ready for love. And I had it but I was a coward.

Sorry for this long message.
I just really missed you.

By @jillorbs

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