Song of try (The Red Dot)
I f I didn’t try, I wouldn’t know,
If I don’t know, the fear will grow,
So I must try, then I know,
When I know, the fear will go.
Do you remember yourself when you were a child?
Dream as though the world will make every dream of yours come true. The excitement to know everything. The enthusiasm to try and the strength to face whatever result it may bring you?
As you grow, you stop trying.
Your dreams starts becoming blurry and indecisive about which path you want to take.
You stop trying unless it’s safe. You stick to things that you already know. And the fear of failing becomes bigger than trying.
There’s a story I want to share to you, about my uncle who is gay.
“When we were young I already knew he was softer than other boys but he was more creative. We were both raised by his mother. He was the youngest child then I was 2 years younger than him.
We were always together in everything. We carry the pail of water together to fill the drums. We helped grandmother wash the clothes and clean the yards. He was excellent in cooking and making the house more colorful. That made him stand out also in school. He planted so many flowers at the frontyard and vegetables at the backyard. Everywhere he walks becomes colorful. Such a little boy with striking personality, enthusiastic and always been very creative in everything. He can fix anything we gave him. Everybody loves him. Aunts, teachers, my grandmother.
When we were growing older, he started seeing his differences from every other child. Little by little he felt more safe being alone. It seemed as though the world do not understand him anymore. The world turned around and it became against him. With his fear of rejections and not having anyone to share it with turned him into a person with lots of insecurities.
It became worst when we finally became orphans. His mother who was my grandmother passed away. He believed the world was rough to us because we were left alone while we were young in facing our difficulties. Alone with the love of his life, his dreams also burried. Not only that he was insecure, he hated everything around him.
We didn’t make it to university because we didn’t have any money to sustain our needs. I had to try to find the treasure the world had for us. While I tried, he lived behind the shadows and discriminated himself. He never wanted to try anymore. Maybe he just couldn’t find anymore reason to take a step out and fight. His fear of being rejected was slowly eating him alive.
We didn’t have anything, money was enough to feed us the day and some days, we didn’t eat. I was feeling drained of doing things alone and everytime I asked him wether telling him in a nice way or forcing him to change his life-didn’t work. So I gave up trying because the more I did, the more he became angry at me and to everything around him. He felt being a baggage instead of taking a stand for himself. He takes everything negatively thats eating him more and more.
Life was tough to me but I was more open to my feelings while he kept his by himself.
But came a man who he fell inlove with and made him get out of bed and see the sunshine.
For a second I was happy to finally see him smile, laugh and love. I’ve never seen him felt so alive.
I supported him. He made presents and comes home with life on his eyes. He found a job and it excited him everyday.
But relationships doesn’t always end like in fairy tales. He found out he was being cheated by his partner. He was new from all these things and didn’t know how to handle his emotions. But that’s not the worst thing that happened because his partner found out he got HIV.
He was scared that he might have it but what scared him more was losing the man he loved and I hated him for that. I cared about him while he cared about him. His love was so strong that he was willing to give all his life and won’t ever make him feel alone but sometimes love is not enough. He was left alone hanging.
He didn’t know how he was going to face another day knowing the man was gone, left him wondering if he is also sick. He was scared.
Every night I watched him in tears. It hurts to see him hurt when he closes his eyes. He was sleepless, much worse when he found him. The fear of the thought that he might be sick as well hinders him to start all over his life. He couldn’t find a spark of hope and will to try.
“I am still alive but it feels like I am already dead.”
… His exact words. Last week after a long long time of hiding behind those shadows. He found the courage to face his fears. Acceptance and reminding himself what he still have left. He had me, he had his bestfriend, enough to hope for a second chance.
He took the test.
After few days, he received the result that changed his life and his perception.
It was negative.
He felt like he won Miss Universe and was given another new life. He’s never been so happy and fully moved on until he finally faced his fear. It was all he needed after all to start. He asked me to write his story because he wanted to let everyone know how he feels, how it feels. He wanted to share it to every people like him out there, how it changed him. That he’s never been so happy!
He want me to help encourage everyone who are suffering from fear, that the only way to know is to try. And by knowing, you’ll figure out where to start.”
“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”