ABOUT JILL

        The wind came and left rapidly, unstoppable like time. The world used to be so wide and clear that if stared too long at the sky, it was going to swallow me. But now, the world feels smaller. I could see the world from the corners of my eyes. I lived around farmhouses surrounded by lush mountains and vast green fields. Some days I end up hunting spiders and exotic fruits into little forests. Run bare feet on a vast oasis. Steal crops on harvest seasons and get scolded each time we came home with muddy clothes. A child’s curiosity brought me to unknown places and new paths to wander. I still think about how dangerous it is to stick my hands into farm holes looking for crabs now that I’m older. I was raised by a special woman in her forty’s with long, raven hair neatly clamped in a maroon-colored ribbon always graceful despite the wounds from her feet caused by diabetes –my grandmother. I could see it in her eyes that she was in pain and it was not getting better. That’s when I learned that it doesn’t matter if we have doctors or hospitals around if you can’t afford to live longer.  Days were long at school with an empty stomach as I go through the day. But there’s joy in rummaging through old cabinets and reading short stories from old school magazines as I laid on the grass all day until everyone’s slowly coming back from their homes. I remember Mylene, from 5th grade. Everyone bullies her that she was dumb just because she was the oldest in our class. We always hang out at lunch because she lived few kilometers away from school. We would eat scrambled eggs with tomatoes and dried fish her mother packed for lunch. Sometimes, it also went bad that both of us would go on the day without eating. Even though she didn’t have much, she still shared her food. The silence was so deafening that I could hear my chest beating in chorus with the sound of the crickets that come and goes until everybody’s back from home.

One day, my teacher pulled me out of class because I was caught stealing an ice candy from the canteen. I wished the earth to just swallow me into its core. Oh, discriminations and rejections became my daily life. Judging eyes, pointing fingers, always being the only suspect when someone loses their things. Nobody wanted me.

I let my hair cover my face and walk facing down. It’s funny because sometimes, I’d find a penny on the floor and I don’t know if I should pick it up or not.

There was only a few hours left to play outside when I come from school. At my grandma’s house, it’s pretty simple: If you’re lazy, you will work twice. One’s fault is everybody’s fault, so there’s no more reason to throw someone under the bus since we will all get the punishment to pick tend from the lawn. Our initiative is being observed. I still feel the euphoria of being carefree under the sun, running on vast oases. There’s this sensation of living day by day. There is no past, for it’s already gone as if tomorrow will never come. There is a commanding silence except for the birds and other creatures finding a place for the night. Not a cloud obscured the fiery ball slowly setting behind the horizon. The dreamy silhouettes of trees and bats and dragonflies painted across the serene sky. I can smell the sun on my skin as the wind breeze takes over and the twilight hues making way for the moon to watch the night. For me, these are times when beauty is truly defined.

One afternoon, I was up the tree where I saw a kite. A rhombus shape out of plastic and bamboo sticks. I attached its two wings and a long slim tail -but it would not fly.

“I didn’t understand. How come? –When it looked exactly like the other kite?”

I just kept running, in despair to make it work but all it does is hit the ground. Out of madness, I just let it go, let it fall and scratched the ground. Both wings detached and rapidly rotated until something magical happened. The kite with one wing left and half of its tail, now flying steady in the air!

Joy filled my heart. I have looked forward to fly it everyday.

It was a beautiful windy day, I felt excited. I thought it was a perfect day to fly my kite. I tried to reach the bottom of the string to see how far it will go. At last, it got so high that it looked so small. The string felt hard as the wind was stronger up there. I felt afraid so I tried to bring it closer to me but it was too late. The string was already broken and my kite joined the direction of the wind. My kite is gone.

             I felt the regret and internal discomfort. I didn’t realized the wind was higher and stronger up there. I was too concern on getting higher and forgot to consider the capacity of my kite.

Then came High School, I got 50% scholarship from the government also with the help of the institution, I’m able to study in a private school.

But nothing has changed. Maybe faces and names but my situation remained. I’m still invisible. Not even a person remembered my name until the second year, when the most challenging moment of my life. It was before Christmas, a part of me died, as the love of my life and the only person I have in life, left me forever, my Grandmother.

Something inside me has awaken and I was afraid.

Why is this happening to me? Is there really someone out there watching over? Why do I have to go through all of these? I’m just a girl. And now, I’m alone. Where do I go from here? I haven’t asked anything in this world. I tried not to be a baggage to anyone. I always figured out for myself. I never complained but fate was hard.

To be too young to understand but old enough to feel the pain. I’ve never felt so alone. But these are the moments when the unknown becomes a beautiful thing. When tomorrow becomes a gift. Perpetually blessed with an armor of bravery and fearlessness from all of these obscurity. Courage to go forward because nothing’s left behind.

A girl who has nothing. I surrendered to fate. The only thing I know was to see what lies behind the horizon. I didn’t want to live and die in the same way, in the same place. To live every second of my life.

Just imagine what happens when a naive girl who comes to the city–a world that’s dark and lonely. Blinding lights. Deceiving sights. To learn to gamble and dance with every demon that comes along who tries to steal every bit of my soul. Inexperienced. I was vulnerable. Into the wrong hands, it was easy to fall. Yet, I was no longer felt alone.

You know this thing called beginner’s luck? When one takes the hardest step for everything to fall into place as if the ride always waited for one to take. A lot of things happened, including the ones that almost pushed me into the darkest place until I see no light. But with Time, the wounds turned into scars as a perpetual reminder of hope, strength, and courage. The Universe is kind.

Awaken from that long nightmare, tears of joy came rushing on my cheeks. Like a dream in a dream, I found myself walking on a stage with a spotlight on my face, on a bright runway, where people awaits, to capture that moment, as if the book has closed a chapter, as if I was just about to uncover a beautiful gift, and it was just the beginning.

That moment, I didn’t have to do anything anymore but to keep my head up and be proud of where I am.

I have always been a dreamer even if I was surviving. It took me a while to get used to the pain fitting my ginger-feet inside those six-inches stilettos. Tears of joy for each new projects. I’ve never felt so relieved. I didn’t expect to become any of it. Everything was just magical.

In no time, I left Philippines for the first time. I had my first plane experience traveling to Zurich, Switzerland at the age of 19. I was on a journey of understanding love. To be with a person who will show me my own reflection. With this journey, I learned that love is the most beautiful thing in this world, and it was free. From a helpless cocoon, I was transformed into a beautiful butterfly.

One day, I was in Lucerne, the next day, I’d find myself watching the mountains of Rigi. Barhopping in San Moritz and trekking to the peak of Uetliberg. Barefoot on the streets of Basel then back to my home, Philippines.

As soon as I arrived, I became an official candidate of the most prestigious national beauty competition in the Philippines which during the time of the audition, I didn’t even know what it is. Although, I never dreamed of being part of this world, Binibining Pilipinas (Miss Philippines Universe) changed my life. It was around 2012. I didn’t win but it build my confidence and taught me a lot. I also booked more projects.

I travelled back to Zurich then to Paris, encountered a beautiful woman named Julie (Maison Julie @maisonjulie) , who asked me if I could walk for her show in Zurich while I was shopping at her boutique. I walked-in to some agencies in Europe and signed to their agencies. Metro-models and Time models gave me a chance but I had to go back to Philippines and again my life was on fire. I won Ms. Resorts World 2012-3rd Runner up, then travelled to Singapore as a prize. I couldn’t believe what was just happening to my life. Year 2014 represented Philippines for Asia New Star Model–FACE of the Philippines. It was a competition held in Korea where I met every every race in Asia. I was more than happy to meet all the people who was there as if I have traveled different worlds then a lot more magical things followed. 2015, I won a place for Miss Manila. 

From those moments I was alone- it taught me to be resilient and to always have humility and surrender to the greater things. No matter how many times I fall, always get up because pain is also a part of life and it is often the real blessing in disguise. Take the unbeaten paths because that’s where the real adventure lies. And let loneliness become solitude.

Those times I let people hurt me, I couldn’t be more thankful to them. I gained more wisdom and sensitivity for  people who are also going through rough times. To understand how it feels to be rejected, discriminated, bullied and to have nothing and no one for you but yourself. –To always be grounded.

All the rejections and discriminations were my greatest momentum to something big and special that is going to happen with life even when I felt so small. To see things clearer, understand better, observe and be more sensitive of other people.

To my grandmother, thanks for being tough. Thanks for leaving me enough WISDOM and COURAGE to face the world. Now I know why you had to show me TOUGH LOVE.

To that kite that disappeared with the wind, it was a lesson from the universe. To find balance in everything. To be aware of my intentions in order to sail the unpredictable direction of the wind. Always keep connected to the ground and know that being on top is not always a good place to be. It could be cold, lonely and sometimes it’s just going to break one apart. (But still, in destruction, there is recreation of beauty.)

As I grew older, I realized that we are only able to see our treasures when we are ready for it. It could’ve been just right in front of us the whole time but we are looking far away. But that is life. You have to walk the path before you walk the path. The soul knows its journey.

If you are looking for the meaning of life, don’t look ahead, but inside. Feel the weight of your heart and recognized those voices inside your head always battling to make the decision. To recognized both where it is coming from. Choose what nurtures your soul and the key to that is to conquer your ego. It doesn’t matter how slow you go as long as you are dancing in the rhythm. We are one Soul divided into little pieces. Even a tiny speck of dust can turn a blind eye.

We divide the gifts and suffering we bring out to the world.

And up to now I’m still learning. Still in constant deconstruction to recreate beauty in its new form. I am grateful of everything that happened to me. And of those people people who have wronged me, I forgive you. We all deserve to carry on with a light heart. GET INSPIRED!